10 Sensible Holiday Eating Tips
Around the holidays, we all tend to eat too much, and then suffer the consequences. Either our waistline grows a few inches and we strive to get it back in shape, or we continue to beat ourselves up for putting on a few pounds and sink into a mild depression over it.
Well, here is some advice from someone who's been there, done that.
The good news: Maybe you don't need to restrict yourself from the foods you love most after all...
This has made the rounds out there on the 'Net a few times. But yesterday was the first time I read it... and laughed.
See why gravy, eggnog, frosted cookies, and pies are tops (and should therefore be gobbled up accordingly)...
And why you should steer clear of things like carrots, mashed potatoes, fruitcake, and exercise.
Here we go:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim milk, don't bother. It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebrators calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'"
Ha ha... That's pretty funny stuff, Randy!
I guess you're right - you never REALLY know when a good 'ol fashioned fruitcake will come in handy.
...but I like my Claxton-made fruitcakes! I keep 'em in the trunk of my car...like a tool. You can use them to wedge under your tires if you get stuck. You can use them like a hammer to pound the battery caps back on and you can use them as dead weight in your trunk to keep your wheels from spinning in icy conditions. If you run out of gas and you need to hoof it, you can use it as a diversion to keep wild animals from attacking you by throwing it at the animal and running in the opposite direction(although they may be more inclined to attack you after it figures out what you were trying to feed it). If you don't have a wild animal problem you could, as a last resort, consume it to survive.